The Effects of Divorce

When parents divorce, a major concern is what will it do to their children? Listed below are some of the effects discussed in the literature.

1. Fear and worry- Children become scared of what will happen to them and their family. They worry a great deal about the future and what will become of their secure world. When one of the parents leaves the house, children worry about what will become of this parent and will they ever see them again.

2. Guilt- Taking the blame of the parent's divorce is very common in children, although usually it is unfounded. Unfortunately, at times the children are singled out and blamed by the parents for the divorce.

3. Anger and Frustration- There are many causes for this. The sudden changes in the family will make some children quiet and withdrawn or strong-willed and upset. From fear, the children strike out at those they think are responsible for the changes in their world. The anger stems from a reaction to drastic changes and threats to the child's life from divorce. Frustration can also set in with these changes: Why can't they see one parent? Why is this happening? These emotions can be added to by their having to relocate. Older children may have a harder time letting go of anger over the changes they have to endure.

4. Rejection and loneliness- Usually divorce causes all the focus to be on the parents. Very little is said to the children. As parents concentrate on their own situation the children are often neglected or forgotten. The turmoil of the parents brings turmoil to the children. A parent leaving the house can be interpreted by the children to be rejection of themselves. If they have no way to communicate with the parent who has left, this feeling of being rejected is reinforced. Rejection can send a child into a time of loneliness and self-imposed isolation. A child may withdraw hoping something will change. Relocation to another neighborhood and school system can intensify this feeling of seperation and rejection.

5. Loyalty and Resentment- Children are placed in difficult positions at times. A child may be split between the parents. The child begins to question their position in the family and which parent really cares about them. A divorce can also separate children from relatives on one side of the family. Somtimes parents mistakenly make children choose which parent they are goint to remain loyal to. This can cause them to lose loyalty to both parents, as they feel their love is being called into question. Some children will resent their parents for getting a divorce. A father or mother who doesn't visit or call can be resented. When they do not attend important events in their lives this only reinforces this feeling. Remarriage can further complicate a child's emotions. The new spouse, the child feels, is not really his parent. Also, the child worries about whether or not the new spouse will allow him to see the former spouse.

6. Trust and Hope- The trauma of the divorce can leave children untrusting of others. They don't want to be hurt again so they are cautious with their affections. Problems with relationships can continue for a long time. Seeing a better tomorrow can be difficult for children of divorce. They lose their hope of getting over the tragedy.

BACK