Parental Influence in the Life of the Child

Between 6 and 10 years of age, parents spend less time with their children due to the fact that the children have begun school and are quickly developing their own friends and getting involved in after-school activities. Hill and Stafford (1980) discovered a decrease of 1/2 as much parental time spent with their children in caregiving, instruction, reading, talking, and playing as when the children were younger. Santrock (1999) reports a shift in the type of parent-child interaction during the school-age years. While early childhood focuses more on manners and getting along with others, middle childhood focuses on helping children become more independent rather than relying on their parents for everything. Although the time spent with the children is less, studies show that the parental influence in the life of the child is still very strong. It is important to realize that because this is the developmental stage preceding adolescence, it is a time of preparation for the adolescent stage in life. Making sure a strong foundation is laid now can help ease the transition from childhood to adolescence in the coming years.

The parent-child relationship is the most important relationship the child has. Different parental styles lead to various ways we interact with our children and is an important component that shapes the child's views about themselves and their world. What type of parent are you? Are you aware of the way you influence your child every day? Santrock lists four basic parenting styles that have very different impacts on children and explains them in the following ways:

 PARENTING STYLES

Authoritarian 

 Authoritative

 Neglectful

 Indulgent

This is a restrictive, punitive style in which the parents exhort the child to follow their directions and to respect work and effort. The authoritarian parent places firm limits and controls on the child and allows little verbal exchange. This style encourages children to be independent but still places limits and controls on their actions. Extensive verbal give-and-take is allowed, and parents are warm and nurturant toward the child. This is a style in which the parent is uninvolved in the child's life. This style of parenting leaves the child feeling that other aspects of the parents' lives are more important than they are. This is a style of parenting in which the parents are highly involved with their children but place few demands or controls on them. Indulgent parents let their children do what they want to do which frequently leads children to expect to get their own way.
Children of authoritarian parents are often anxious about social comparison, fail to initiate activity, and have poor communication skills. Children of authoritative parents are socially competent, self-reliant, and socially responsible. Children whose parents are neglectful are socially incompetent. They show poor self-control and do not handle independence well.  Children whose parents are indulgent rarely learn respect for others and have difficulty controlling their behavior.

Making adjustments in the way we parent is sometimes necessary in an effort to promote healthy self-esteem and behavior in our children. Understanding what is going on in the mind of the child is equally as important to truly meeting his needs and being able to help him develop as a person. Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. has written a book, "Positive Discipline," in which she gives insight into one basic need of all children. She says that children just want to belong. Webster's Dictionary defines belonging as "having a rightful place." Belonging shows value. When children do not feel that they belong, they misbehave in an effort to achieve the sense of belonging they so desperately need. Rudolph Dreikurs, a psychologist who helped develop Adlerian psychology, claims that "a misbehaving child is a discouraged child." What can we, as parents and teachers, do to facilitate a child's development in the psychosocial arena? First, we must recognize the child's need and interpret his behavior from his perspective, not our own. Secondly, we can encourage the child and seek to meet his need to belong in a way that he understands. By doing these things, the child builds a good self-image which increases his ability to interact in a positive way with others and leads to the development of effective relationships with important people in his life: parents, siblings, and peers.

 INTERPRETING THE CHILD'S BEHAVIOR

 

According to Jane Nelsen, it was Rudolph Dreikurs who discovered the four mistaken goals of behavior. These goals are the basis for her book "Positive Discipline." Nelson explains, "They are called mistaken goals because they are based on mistaken beliefs about how to achieve belonging and significance." Dreikurs worked with Alfred Adler until Adler's death in 1937. Adler was reportedly "a man with ideas ahead of his time" as an advocate for children and other oppressed groups of people. Dreikurs continued to develop Adlerian psychology and found ways to help parents and teachers improve their relationships with children both at home and at school. In Nelsen's book, she lists the four mistaken goals of behavior which notes the child's perspective and what feelings these behaviors produce in the parent or teacher.

 FOUR MISTAKEN GOALS OF BEHAVIOR

1. Attention - "I belong only when I have your attention."

 Child's belief "I'm only important if I receive constant attention and keep you busy with me."
 Parent/teacher feels annoyed, irritated, worried, guilty

2. Power - "I belong only when I'm winning or in charge, or at least when I don't let you win."
 Child's belief "I feel a sense of belonging and significance only if I'm in control and do what I want to do."
 Parent/teacher feels provoked, challenged, threatened, defeated

3. Revenge - "It hurts that I don't belong, but at least I can hurt back."
 Child's belief "I feel hurt because I do not have a sense of belonging and significance, so I have a right to hurt others as I have been hurt."
 Parent/teacher feels hurt, disappointed, disbelieving, disgusted 

4. Assumed Inadequacy - "I give up. It is impossible to belong."
 Child's belief "I don't believe I can belong, so I'll convince others not to expect anything of me."
 Parent/teacher feels despair, hopeless, helpless, inadequate 

What can parents and teachers do to redirect the child's mistaken beliefs? One of the most important details that Nelsen stresses in her book is the need to encourage the child. She states that "discouragement comes from beliefs and feelings of not belonging or not having significance. It does not matter whether the beliefs are based on facts or imagination. Behavior is based on what the child thinks is true, not necessarily what is true." This clearly explains the importance of understanding the child from his perspective. It is the child's developing perspective of himself and his world that is the foundation for the way he responds to his environment. These methods can be successfully applied to problems in the three important areas that contribute to psychosocial development for the school-aged child: family, school, and peers. Nelsen provides methods to overcome negative behavior in the following ways:

 BE PROACTIVE AND ENCOURAGING

1. Attention - Redirect inappropriate behavior by getting the child involved in a useful task. Set up routines and inform the child so he knows he can expect your attention at certain time(s) during the day. If he knows his needs will get met, he is less likely to misbehave in an attempt to achieve that goal.

2. Power - Don't be sucked into a power struggle with the child. Rather than forcing the child to do what you want, try to elicit his help. Most children want to be helpful. Acknowledging and expressing appreciation for the helpfulness of the child also fills his need to belong and feel important which eliminates his need to misbehave to get attention.

3. Revenge - Deal with the hurt feelings by identifying them for the child and then acknowledge these feelings. The child will feel better after having his feelings validated. Avoid punishment and retaliation and instead, make amends. This in itself helps give the child a sense of significance and belonging.

4. Assumed inadequacy - Stop all criticism of the child. Communicate faith in the child and encourage any steps the child takes to try something, no matter how small. Set up opportunities for the child which will result in success.

 

Chapman, Gary, Ph.D. and Campbell, Ross, M.D. (1997). The Five Love Languages of Children . Chicago: Northfield.

Hill, C.R. and Stafford, F.P. (1980). Parental care of children: Time diary estimate of quantity, predictability, and variety. Journal of Human Resources, 15, 219-239.

Nelsen, Jane, Ed.D. (1996). Positive Discipline (Revised Edition). New York: Ballantine.

Santrock, John W. (1999). Life-Span Development (7th Edition). Dallas: University of Texas.

The New Lexicon Webster's Dictionary of The English Language. (1988). New York: Lexicon.

 

Back