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Volume 38 Issue1
August 28, 2000

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Dateless in Schwoggle land

SCHWOGGLE WITH DAVE
MESA LEGEND
Submitted August 28, 2000

Well, summer is over and not one date — again.

This summer went by too fast. I still have scantron-brain from last spring’s finals.

Scantron-brain is when your body functions normally but your brain doesn’t.  You look normal on the outside but your brain is still numb, saying,   "C...A...B...," which makes it even harder to get a date.

Instead of saying, "Would you like to go out tonight?" — "C...A...B...," slips out.

This is why men collectively invented NASA, so smart males could get dates.  That is NASA’s only practical function. It creates a great pickup line: "Hi, I’m an astronaut."

It says money, brains, and physical fitness.

Too bad we couldn’t fit "And I love children too," in there. We tried to add, "I love animals." That’s why we started putting monkeys in space. It took a lot of effort to get that one pickup line, but I think it’s worth it.

We’ve come a long way from, "C...A...B..."

The government knows we don’t need anything from the Moon.  What we really need is to have smart people procreating to produce a highly intelligent race.  The problem is that it only helps a select group of people.

It was only after this was realized that women were allowed into the space program.  We didn’t want to blow our cover.

We men, as an organization, combined our efforts and created NASA  for one reason — getting Neil Armstrong a date.

Knowing that there are organizations out there like the Match Makers, the 1-800-DATORAMAs and the NASAs is comforting to me as a college student. It makes me feel like there is a chance for me.

Dating is hard when you’re in college.  How can you afford a woman when you can hardly afford toothpaste?  You have to ration your hygiene if you want to pull the evening off.

Now even if the date does go well you can’t take the girl back up to your dorm room because they’re too small. You can’t fit two people in there. It’s like God’s little abstinence program.

The word "room" should never have been put together with the word "dorm."

My brother, whom I recently visited has a  dorm that is more like a morgue.  It’s rows, columns and handles — no stairs needed.

One year he had a top row dorm.  He had to take a running leap and dive in. When his momentum shut the door behind him he would  pray that he hadn’t forgotten the key.

I have a feeling this is how David Copperfield got his start.  When he was in college he wasn’t an escape artist. He was forgetful. If he would have been an escape artist he wouldn’t have been stuck in college.  He would have escaped.

As unique as dating can be even for an escape artist, astronauts and especially college students, it has it’s place. Setting priorities is a skill like anything else that must be sharpened.

Know that dating has its place and always do the things that are the most important to you. Never put a dating life in front of school, family, your livelihood or your faith.

There is plenty of time after you finish school.

Have fun, read humor, and stick to your priorities from the ABC’s to the CAB’s.

Dave Thurston is the opinions editor  of the Mesa Legend and a marketing major at MCC.

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