Volume 38, Issue 12. Today is
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Volume 38, Issue 12. Today is
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The ‘Schwog’ drives himself
When I drive, I don’t want anyone thinking that I am a moron, especially perfect strangers. I do my best to cover-up my moronic ways so that total strangers will not look down on me. Sometimes I’ll be driving down the freeway, and I’ll drift into another lane too far to swerve back because it looks like I’m – swerving. Quickly, I hit my blinker and pretend that I want to change lanes. To make myself look even more inconspicuous, I whistle. A whistling guy always looks more inconspicuous than a non-whistling guy. It would take a Dick Tracy crime-fighting mastermind to see through the layers of smoke and mirrors. "I meant to change lanes. It’s safer on the left. The left is safer. On the outside, it’s more safe," I was explaining to myself as a cop – named Razzu – pulled me over. He said, "I’m not going to give you a ticket, but you shouldn’t drive on the shoulder." "Good tip. OK. Thank you. It’s better in traffic. Not as safe though," I justified to the officer. And, one time, (which is my code word for: once every six weeks), I pulled up to a stoplight. While I was waiting to go straight, the arrow turned green. I started to go, only to get stopped suddenly in the middle of the intersection, (after realizing that the green arrow is not the green circle I was looking for.) I was embarrassed, not wanting the perfect strangers around me to think that I was a moron. I rolled down the window and said, "Sorry. I’m not a moron. I just can’t tell the difference between an arrow and a dot." Then the car behind me pulled up. Stuck in the middle of the intersection, it felt good as traffic had to swerve around my car to turn left in front of me. They shouted obscene phrases like, "I wanted to be in the left turn lane; didn’t you see my signal, it’s safer over here." I’m not the only one that does this. Just the other day, a guy right in front of me did the same thing. The arrow turned green and he jetted into the intersection. So, I pulled up right behind him to make sure he knew he was a moron that needs to go back to preschool and learn his shapes. He had the audacity to roll down the window and yell back at me, "I knew I should have given you a ticket for driving on the shoulder." Dave Thurston is the opinions editor of the Mesa Legend and a marketing major at MCC. |
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