Volume 38, Issue 13. Today is
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Volume 38, Issue 13. Today is
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Too lazy for the schwoggle
Today’s youth (myself included) sit in front of a computer screen all day trying not to move. We’ve gone from cow chip kickers to point and clickers. We’re the generation that uses the handicap button instead of opening doors by hand, the generation that drives around for 20 minutes to find a parking spot four spaces closer, the generation that doesn’t write out the word "at." Instead, we use the"@" symbol. We’re the generation that should have been sick of Ramen Noodles years ago, but we pretend to like it just so we don’t have to spend energy cooking real food. Our slothful generation doesn’t have the will power to go to the store and buy a CD. Instead, we formulated software to download music onto our computer while we sit @ our chairs trying not to move. While waiting for Collective Soul tracks to download, it’s necessary to turn off the monitor so that the word "Napster," which is still up and running, doesn’t burn onto my screen. Before I forget, let me tell you that Schwoggle with Dave will be Napster with Dave from now on. If Shawn Fanning sues me for violating copyright I will laugh until my screen saver gets tired. Button-pushing may seem like a simple task to someone who had to walk ten miles to school after milking 80 cows and sheering 17 sheep, but the generation that had to do those things doesn’t know what it’s like to grow up with MTV providing a numbing nirvana without having to push a button. Consequently, as a young adult, under any circumstances, it’s hard to push those buttons. I had no choice but to download a screen saver. I can’t be pushing buttons on and off – who drinks enough Gatorade for that? Posture is another intimidating toil. I pose no resistance to the mindless, but unrelenting force of gravity. Slumping down in my chair so far that the F-row looks like a city skyline across the bottom of my monitor, I view flashing pictures of the iron man competitors. If the cow chip kickers aren’t happy with our vigor level, that’s fine – it’s their fault. They’re the ones who told us all we had to do was eat Wheaties. Why don’t they just tell us that we can get a college degree by watching PBS? I’m just glad you can’t get on the Internet and download food. Some people would get sick of slumping and buying a lazy boy. Not me. To combat the slump, I would string a rope through a pulley directly above my chair, put my backpack on, and tie the rope to my backpack, enabling me to pull my wilted body up when the F-row skyline gets knee-high on the iron man men. My arms would become atrophied, morphing into swan necks, bobbing, swooping and pecking the keyboard. Now that would be lazy. I guess our generation is not so lazy after all, we’re just cautious where we ration our energy @. Dave Thurston is the opinions editor of the Mesa Legend and a marketing major at MCC. |
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