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Volume 38 Issue 5
November 7, 2000

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Schwoggle for President!

SCHWOGGLE WITH DAVE
MESA LEGEND
Submitted November 7, 2000

After watching both Bush and Gore campaign, I decided to declare my presidential candidacy for the 2004 election. 

If I were so fortunate to be elected your president, I would expand the role of women in the White House. I wouldn’t just have a First Lady — I would have a Second, Third and Fourth Lady, as well.

Since I don’t have a major party to back me up, I am getting an early start.

I am a qualified candidate because I have a strong campaign team with catchy slogans, and I would bring valuable members to the 2004 administration.

I would like to thank my speech writer/campaign manager/slogan writing think tank and moral adviser, Regis Philbin. He has already scripted more than 200 speeches for the ’04 Schwoggle Campaign.

However, every speech starts with, “Who wants to be a millionaire,” and ends with “Vote for Dave. Yes, that is my final answer.” We want him to work on those lead-ins and closers, but we’re glad to have him aboard.

Regis has also come up with some pretty keen slogans  like, “Who will be our next president? If your answer is Dave then you win one hundred dollars” and, “Vote for Dave! You don’t need a life-line to figure that one out, dummy.”

My favorite Regis slogan is, “Vote for Dave, and together, we can rid the world of Alex Trebek.”

I am honored to have a campaign team as complete as this one. Though it may be small — just me and Regis — my heart swells with gratitude.

I am also thankful to have a running mate who complements my administration and campaign team so well. When I was selecting a running mate, I was careful to choose someone that I would look good standing next to.  We had to scrape the bottom of the barrel, but we found someone who looked the part — my uncle, Mudalph Mainder. 

Standing tall at 6-3, and weighing in at 285 lbs., with a bald head, two pointy Spock ears and disproportionately short shins, I am proud to say that I look good standing next to this guy in a matching red and black flannel long sleeve shirt and denim overalls.

Mr. Mudalph Mainder, or “Mud” as he is commonly known, is the kind of guy that if you don’t explain something to him, he’s not going to figure it out on his own. 

Three days ago, when I went looking for a future vice president, Mud came in from the barn and said, “I’m in a lot of pain.  A cow fell on top of me. 

“Tell me something. When you go cow-tipping, do you push or pull?”

We didn’t tell him. 

That’s when it occurred to me that this may not be the best man for the job, but he is certainly better than that Joe Lieberman guy. 

Finally, I would bring to the White House a wonderful First Lady.  I don’t know who it will be, but I put an ad in the paper, and Regis says that it looks pretty good. But we may have to take an audience poll before we decide who will get the position.  Fortunately, there are four positions open, so we hope that we won’t have to turn anyone away.

We are also looking for women with verb-sounding names like Tipper, in order to make cheap puns for our entertainment. We’re hoping for a Sippy or maybe a Nanner.

So, in preparation for your next trip to the voting booth in 2004 —Vote for Dave!

Yes, that is my final answer.

Dave Thurston is the opinions editor for the Mesa Legend and a marketing major at MCC.

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