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Volume 38 Issue 6
November 21, 2000

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Election held hostage

SCHWOGGLE WITH DAVE
MESA LEGEND
Submitted November 21, 2000

Since Nov. 7, the media have been busy covering the election and lots of events have transpired in the meantime. Mainstream media have chosen not to report on such activities, but here at the Mesa Legend we have investigated the important local and national goings on such as the Krispy Kream/ Abercrombie and Fitch merger, as well as the alternative fuel fiasco and its effects.

It is true that Abercrombie and Fitch have merged forming the new name brand Aberkrispy and Fitch Kream. Coming soon to the Valley is the high fashion clothing store/ donut shop combination.

The highly sexual Aberkrispy and Fitch Kream catalog will consist of half-naked large people in suggestive positions spilling powdered sugar and cream filling on overpriced clothes.

A new line of cologne will also enter the market under the Aberkrispy label.  Our sources tell us that the latest scents will resemble custard, raspberry filling and day-old glaze.

I don’t know about you, but I see "Christmas present" written all over this one.

Also in local news, the alternative fuel program has cost almost a half-billion dollars. Gov. Jane Hull has taken responsibility for the loophole.

 I have to say that her willingness to bite the bullet is inspiring. On the other hand I have to say, sarcastically, that it’s refreshing to see a governor that can lose millions of tax dollars accidentally, instead of intentionally.

 I’m not saying that I want a governor that embezzles, I’m just saying that all of the sudden Fife Symington doesn’t look like such a bad guy. At least he had the decency to stay in the double-digit millions.

In related news, auto sales in the state of Arizona have increased 140 percent. Tex Earnhart, CEO of Earnhardt Ford and various car dealerships in the Valley, stayed awake for six days straight, partying. At the end of 144 hours, Earnhardt fell asleep standing up only to awake on the ground after a cow had pushed him over.

As the cow ran away it was seen heal clicking and singing, "I love  people tipping. Finally – revenge!  I’m never doing another one of your car commercials again and that ain’t no bull!"

We caught up to the vengeful cow only to find that it was not a cow but rather a costume built for two people. The two inside were none other than one of the oversized Aberkrispy models and the one and only Hull. She was quoted as saying, "I did it because Symington bet me five bucks, and I could really use five bucks these days."

This is most of the news that you’ve missed because the media have been held hostage by the election standstill. Maybe we’re not missing much.

Unfortunately, none of this is true, but with the media at just as much of a standstill as the election, the viewing public would never know it. All that I can think to ask is, what newsworthy events are we really missing?

Dave Thurston is the opinions editor for the Mesa Legend and a marketing major at MCC.

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