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Volume 38 Issue 9
February 13, 2001

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Schwoggocosm of world powers

SCHWOGGLE WITH DAVE
MESA LEGEND
Submitted February 13, 2001

The word "recession" is terrifying when referring to the economy. But not to me. I think that it’s kind of fun.

It makes it sound like the economy is playing on the playground at recess.

The economy has done a good job for us. After a nice little break, it will go back to work. But for now, a little playing time, it’s recessing.

If all of the world powers were playing on the playground, the U.S. economy would be like the bully that beats up all of the other pathetic asthmatic countries that still wear tube socks with the red stripes around the calf area and the velcro shoes.

These are the countries that wish they could be the nuclear arms-possessing bully, but have to settle for peanut butter sandwiches and Provental inhalers.

Instead of beating up other playground-goers over milk, we fight over oil. For example, Desert Storm – Saddam Hussein is the wannabe tough guy (TG), and Kuwait is the peanut butter-lipped teacher’s pet who is too small to fend off the tube sock TGs.

It’s not just oil problems that fit onto this playground – most American leaders are right at home here.

Bill Clinton is the nice guy that forgives everybody because he’s done worse things than everybody else, which is why he has no problem pardoning everybody that did anything really bad or embarrassing.

Slick Willy is the smartest kid on the playground, but he still ends up in the corner with the dunce cap on. He’s been naughty, not becaue he stoel the swingset (this is the last Clinton joke you will ever see in a Schwoggle column. It’s past due).

Al Gore is the brainy kid who never gets excited about your new yo-yo or bouncy ball. Why? Because in his mind, he invented it.

Ross Perot is the guy who tells on everyone. Who wouldn’t with supersonic, echo technology, digital satellite dish ears (invented by Gore) that pick up every thing with digital quality?

Not surprisingly, on the playground most rumors are about Clinton (OK, that’s the final Clinton joke, I promise).

Bill Murray is the guy who makes the playground bearable by making people laugh.

He’s not pretty, he may wear tube socks, but he certainly ain’t no TG.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, Murray doesn’t belong on this playground.

However, it is a well-known fact that Murray has a larger following than the Pope; thus qualifying him as a world power.

Speaking of the Pope, he’s the guy on the playground that gets made fun of (even by provential Kuwait) because his mom picks out his clothes.

How else do you think he can afford all that protection, bulletproofed golf carts, bodyguards named Sergio with earpieces and fireproof tube socks with red stripes around the calf area?

Why does he need that kind of protection anyway? He never gets caught because he’s taken clever precautions like burning incense wherever he goes to cover up the scent of marijuana.

If you’re offended by the Pope jokes you don’t qualify for this playground, but you do qualify for a real playground with kids that do actually make fun of people because their mommy dresses them; which only later drives them to a life of crime and tube socks with red stripes around the calf area.

Come on, if I had done something really bad or embarrassing, then Clinton would have pardoned me (OK seriously, that’s absolutely the last one).

Dave Thurston is the opinons editor for the Mesa Legend and a marketing major at MCC.

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